Lensman

Are the French Revolting?

2005-11-09T11:21:12+01:00

Considered response - Yes.

The French are revolting.

Well, some of them are.

Couldn't resist, sincere apologies to anyone French who is in anyway offended.

Comments

National Road Safety Week - Hers's my contribution

2005-11-08T19:43:11+01:00

1/ Wear a hat of any description (unless you are chauffeur a milkman or over 70. Definitely never wear a baseball cap unless you want to look like an idiot)

2/ Drive with your fog lights on in the rain – the hint her is in the name ‘Fog Lights’ (unless of course visibility is less than 100 yards and if you can’t cope pull over and wait till the sun comes out – but then you’re probably be the type to brake into the setting/rising sun rather than just putting on a pair of sunglasses, just because you are going slower it doesn’t mean you’ll see any better. In fact the slower you travel the slower the light from objects in front of you will reach your optic nerve – check out E=MC2 if you don’t believe me)

3/ Never get in the way of a blue Volvo of any model or year (that should cover me)

4/ Use your shoulder to hold your mobile phone to your ear – this leads to involuntary steering as you shorten one arm’s grip on the wheel

5/ Drink – you’ll only spill it

6/ Smoke a pipe – unless you are in a pre war vintage car that has a max speed of less then 20 mph

7/ Stab your fellow motorists – it’s not nice so don’t get into the habit

8/ Brake for no reason – that big coloured thing in your rear view mirror is another car and if you stop for no reason there’s a good chance it’ll end up wedged in your rear end (that’s the rear end of your car – not you)

9/ Pick your nose – you might feel invisible but over 70% of your car is made of a transparent material called ‘glass’. Transparent means see through and if you can see out, others can see in. Remember the old saying; “People in glass houses should have a toilet in the basement”

10/ Listen to Radio 1. This is a station designed for those too young to drive and if anyone overhears you’ll be obvious as a twat with no taste in music and with very limited intelligence. I mean, ‘New’s Beat’ (?) there’s more beat than news and even that is out of sync. Like having a audio only version of Newsround without the in-depth science bits.

Comments

Mobile phone's on the brain

2005-11-02T17:05:58+01:00

OK. A friend and I have made a discovery. It’s not particularly earth shattering but I thought I would share it with you all anyway
After all, that’s what this BLOG is for; transmitting useless information from person to person and hopefully keeping us all interested.

Have you ever had your mobile phone on in the car when a call is coming in whilst listening to the radio, or you move between transmitter coverage? If you have you’ll know that just before the phone rings there’s a helleaciously loud crackling noise heard through the speakers. You can also get this effect if you are on your home phone and a call comes in on the mobile, if they are near each other. Now we know this is caused by the interference of two conflicting radio signals, so it’s some sort of electromagnetic disturbance but I’m not a rocket scientist so don’t ask for any details.

Now we have noticed that we both often reach for our phones randomly, only to find that in the next few seconds the phone rings, or receives a message. From this we are guessing that the phone’s radio signal is causing a similar sort of electromagnetic interference – in our brains. (well in my friends brain, I’m more of the scarecrow type).

Anybody else notice anything similar – that feeling of going for the phone, only for it to ring as you reach for it? Or are we just a couple of freaks?

If this is happening, and it’s not our fevered imaginations, then what does that do to the theories of damage from mobile phones? We’re told not to worry but if we really are experiencing some sort of EME (electromagnetic event) isn’t this just a little bit significant?

Not that it worries me, my phone is my lifeline and quite essential and I’ll live with the risk of damage – hell maybe I’ll be able to sue the manufacturers to help fund my future retirement…..

Anything similar happened to anyone else out there?

Comments

Vodafone

2005-10-30T12:32:13+01:00

Just a quickie
(maybe that's why I'm single)
My lovely Nokia has an auto update on the time functions so if you travel to a different time zone it automatically adjusts the time to reflect where you are. Also it adjusts for daylight saving twice a year to make things simpler for the great unwashed.
Problem uncovered in this process though.

Set my alarm for 8am this morning.
Alarm goes off.
I turn off the alarm and then the phone says
"Confirm auto time change for wintertime?"
Press OK and then the phone displays the time as 7am - doh.
Extra hour in bed is welcome but already being awake is not.

Nokia/Vodafone - sort it out please.

Comments

I Frelling HATE the pre christmas climax - it's still October

2005-10-30T12:25:39+01:00

I admit to not being a big fan of Christmas - I have no kids, live on my own and seem to be constantly broke for most of the year, and am not that big on receiving gifts let alone giving them - but still why oh why do we have to start thinking about Christmas before the bloody clocks have even been adjusted for winter time?

When the clocks go forward in March = Summertime
When the clocks go back in October = Wintertime

Therefore you advertise for Christmas on the 27th October and you are doing this in the summer - STOP IT PLEASE.
All this means is that I'll spend the next two months gritting my teeth and will be so relieved to have Christmas over and done with that I'll not enjoy ANY of it.

Anybody give me a good reason why we should spend a sixth of our year being encouraged to spend our money on pointless things that no really wants in the first place.

Humbug

Comments

McDonalds

2005-10-30T11:29:03+01:00

Can anyone tell me what is wrong with the North East of England? OK lot's of opportunity for southerners to respond with the usual North/South divide rubbish - It's too cold, rains all the time, women of all ages go out on a Friday night in January wearing nothing but the merest hint of clothing, ad infinitum - but I mean specifically on one specific point......

Special Offers at McDonalds.

I keep seeing adverts for special meal deals and there appears on most of them the small print at the bottom of the screen saying "Not available in the North East".
What's that all about?

Some ideas we've been kicking about.

1/ The offers are simply too confusing for the Geordies so McD's are looking to keep things simple for them (harsh!).
2/ They get even better deals which aren't available to us in the South (paranoia?).
3/ Maybe McD's don't do much business in the NE - could be that the Geordies et al are only interested in fresh fruit and veg and as such would not be interested in the new menu combo on offer (yeah not likely I know Ed).
4/ McD's are fed-up with running outlets oop North and are trying to encourage more Southwards migration (farfetched?).
5/Northern branches are independently franchised and do their own advertising and marketing (boring).
6/ The alien lizards running the world in secret (talk to David Ike) are trying to kill off those of us in the South by encouraging obesity and cholesterol poisoning (interstellar unlikely).

If any one knows the truth - can you let me know. And in case anyone wants to know I only eat McD's every now and then and only in small amounts and that was before I heard about "Super Size Me" - now I've seen that it should encourage most sensible folk keep clear of the Golden Arches wherever possible. Not that the food is bad, you do tend to get something reasonably edible and scarily filling and I have no problems with any paranoid globalisation moans either - ultimately we are in control and if the world didn't want the golden arches available worldwide we wouldn't be visiting branches when we were on holiday or at home either - profits would fall and they'd eventually have to retrench themselves or go out of business.
We are the consumers after all and most businesses live the lie that the customer is always right. And if you've had contact with any business sales or marketing department's practices and techniques you'll know just how fallible the proposition is of consumer primacy.

Comments

What a waste of time....Bird Flu

2005-10-28T12:30:32+02:00

Is anyone else even a little concerned at the amount of time, money and stress being wasted worrying about a non existent disease that 'might' happen, and 'might' be a problem; but only if a mutation occurs in the virus so that it becomes transmittable between humans?

Can we please get a bloody grip.

The Facts - 6bn people in the world and less than 60 have died from the so called 'Bird Flu', hardly a worrying number though of course any death is lamented by someone.
All these people worked with infected birds in parts of the world with a poor record in public health and agricultural sanitation.
The chance of this strain actually mutating is not a certainty but only a possibility.
The more energy that is put into 'defeating' this virus will just lead to more strains of flu becoming drug resistant (no self interest in this from the drug companies of course) but this will not be good news for the rest of the world. Just look at the so called super virus' that are affecting hospitals - MRSA a direct result of the increased use of antibiotics in the last twenty years.
Raw eggs - good grief!

Man walks into DEFRA

Man "I've come about this parrot."
DEFRA "Yes sir what seems to be the problem?"
Man "Well you told me it had to go into quarantine and now's it seems to be dead."
DEFRA "Dead Sir?"
Man "Yes, as in deceased, dead, it is no more, it is an ex-parrot"
DEFRA "Ex-Parrot?, It looks like a Norwegian Blue to me."
Man "Is that why you put it in quarantine with a number of birds from Asia? Because it was a Norwegian Blue?"
DEFRA "No, we put all Parrots in the same cage as it makes our quarantine centre's look tidier and we do like to look like we are doing our jobs well. Was it not from Asia then?"
Man "No It came from South America. So your concept of quarantine is to mix birds with suspected deadly viruses along with animals in detention for precautionary reasons?"
DEFRA "Well it worked with Foot & Mouth"
Man "Well no it didn't actually"
DEFRA "Ah, yes, well..."

So much more could be done with this situation but as a Python fan (the comedy show not the snake - I hate snakes) I'll leave it to other more skilled in the art of comedy.

It's nice to see that the government (led by Mr Tony B liar) are as painfully dishonest and inefficient as always.

Comments

Shuttle Launch was awesome

2005-07-26T21:40:48+02:00

Had the chance to see the shuttle launch this afternoon, something I've not seen live since the Challenger disaster in the eighties. Wow. I MEAN WOW
Always get goosebumps watching the Challenger disaster (not too strong a word) but had thought it was to do with the end result of that leap into the sky. No, it's the sheer awesomeness of the thing leaping into the air. Even through a grainy webcast I found myself shaking and screaming at the picture. WOW
Glad it all went ok and if anyone hasn't seen it get yourselves to www.nasa.gov as soon as you can be bothered.

Yep, that's what this site is here for sin't it. Inanities of daily life?

Comments

Sorry, that's all crap....

2005-07-26T20:29:10+02:00

Cheesy Grin

Had some good news today - after three weeks of traipsing round to my M and D's for a shower (since my boiler broke because of a leak in the mains that cleaned our drains out nicely) the plumbers back from his holidays and will call again to let me know when he'll actually appear. It's progress and that song keeps on spinning in my head (and not in a 'musical hallucination' kind of way either, check yesterdays press if you are sure I'M NUTS now) and includes the line

"when you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble have a whistle".

And I have been getting to see my M and D alot which given their propensity (big word) for going to Oz is another good thing.
I'll be back....

Comments