1/ Wear a hat of any description (unless you are chauffeur a milkman or over 70. Definitely never wear a baseball cap unless you want to look like an idiot)

2/ Drive with your fog lights on in the rain – the hint her is in the name ‘Fog Lights’ (unless of course visibility is less than 100 yards and if you can’t cope pull over and wait till the sun comes out – but then you’re probably be the type to brake into the setting/rising sun rather than just putting on a pair of sunglasses, just because you are going slower it doesn’t mean you’ll see any better. In fact the slower you travel the slower the light from objects in front of you will reach your optic nerve – check out E=MC2 if you don’t believe me)

3/ Never get in the way of a blue Volvo of any model or year (that should cover me)

4/ Use your shoulder to hold your mobile phone to your ear – this leads to involuntary steering as you shorten one arm’s grip on the wheel

5/ Drink – you’ll only spill it

6/ Smoke a pipe – unless you are in a pre war vintage car that has a max speed of less then 20 mph

7/ Stab your fellow motorists – it’s not nice so don’t get into the habit

8/ Brake for no reason – that big coloured thing in your rear view mirror is another car and if you stop for no reason there’s a good chance it’ll end up wedged in your rear end (that’s the rear end of your car – not you)

9/ Pick your nose – you might feel invisible but over 70% of your car is made of a transparent material called ‘glass’. Transparent means see through and if you can see out, others can see in. Remember the old saying; “People in glass houses should have a toilet in the basement”

10/ Listen to Radio 1. This is a station designed for those too young to drive and if anyone overhears you’ll be obvious as a twat with no taste in music and with very limited intelligence. I mean, ‘New’s Beat’ (?) there’s more beat than news and even that is out of sync. Like having a audio only version of Newsround without the in-depth science bits.